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Dating/domestic violence involves a continuum of behaviors ranging
from degrading remarks to cruel jokes, punches and kicks, false
imprisonment, sexual abuse, suffocating actions, maiming assaults,
and homicide. Unchecked, dating/domestic violence usually increases
in frequency and severity.
Many victims suffer all forms of abuse. Verbal and emotional
abuse may be more subtle than physical harm, but this does not mean
that it is less destructive to victims. Many have said that the
emotional scars take much longer to heal than the broken bones.
The first assault inflicted by a batterer usually shocks the
victim. It is hard to believe that a person who proclaims love,
devotion, and commitment to you could violate you. Episodes of
violence may be infrequent or frequent, prolonged or short-lasted,
severe or mild assaults. Non-violent tactics of control are usually
always coupled with violent conduct. Violent assaults usually
increase in frequency and severity over time. As the batterer’s
violence progresses, he may begin to direct violence or threats of
violence against friends, extended family, and/or children. Even
those batterers who infrequently use violence regularly remind their
battered partners that non-compliance with their demands may
precipitate violent assaults.
Who are the Perpetrators?
Batterers are not easy to identify. They most likely do not
suffer from a mental illness and may be very charming. Batterers can
be found in all socioeconomic, racial, religious, age, and sexual
orientation groups. There are however, a few signs to look for in
battering relationships. If a person has several of these behaviors,
it is likely that he has a strong potential for physical violence.
The more signs one has, the more likely that he has engaged in
physical violence.
- Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an
abuser will always say that his jealousy is a sign of love.
Jealousy has nothing to do with love, it’s a sign of insecurity
and possessiveness.
- Controlling behavior: At first, the batterer will say
that his behavior is because he’s concerned for the victims’
safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good
decisions. As this behavior gets worse, he may not let the woman
make personal decisions about her friends, her clothing,
finances, etc.
- Quick involvement: Many battered women date or knew
their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged
or living together. He comes on like a whirlwind claiming “love
at first sight,” and he will tell the woman flattering things
such as “ you’re the only person I could ever talk to.”
- Unrealistic expectations: He is very dependent on the
woman for all of his needs. He expects her to be the perfect,
lover, friend, and/or wife, mother. She is supposed to take care
of everything for him emotionally and/or in the home.
- Isolation: The man tries to cut the woman off from
all resources. He may try to keep her away from her friends and
family, he may not let her use the car, or he may try to keep
her from working or going to school.
- Blames others for his problems: He will tell the
woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
- Blames others for his feelings: He will tell the
woman, “you make me mad” or “you are hurting me by not doing
what I ask.” He really makes the decision about what he thinks
and feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the woman.
- Hypersensitivity: The man is easily insulted – he
claims his feelings are hurt when he’s really very mad; or he
takes the slightest setback as personal attacks. He will rant
and rave about the injustice of things that have happened to him
– things that are just a part of living (e.g., getting a traffic
ticket).
- Cruelty to animals or children: A man who punishes
animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering.
He may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond
their ability or may tease children until they cry.
- “Playful” use of force in sex: This man may like to
throw the woman down and hold her down during sex: he may want
to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless. He
may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping or
demand sex when she is tired or ill.
- Rigid sex roles: The man expects the woman to serve
him – will say she must stay at home, that she must obey him in
all things, even things that are criminal in nature.
- Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many women are confused by
their abuser’s sudden changes in mood – they will describe that
one minute he’s nice and the next he explodes. Some have also
described him as being charming and perfect in public, and only
breaking out behind closed doors.
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